After divorce, I am learning that I hate dating.

One of the things that I loved most about marriage is that I always knew what to expect, good or bad. Dating thus far feels like a revolving door of failed expectations and disappointment.

I’ve met super successful men with mommy issues and egos. I’ve met men who wanted too much too soon. No, I’m not changing my relationship status on Facebook after one date. No, you can’t come with me to a private screening of anything, or any other industry event. No, I can’t write about you for Upscale Magazine, or my blog. And no, I don’t want to meet your mom.

The problem isn’t that I can’t find a man. In fact, I think men do a great job at finding me. The problem is I can’t seem to meet anyone I have a mutual attraction to.

What am I looking for? Someone sane. This should be obvious but I’ve learned there are too many adults walking around with varying levels of untreated mental illness and emotional distress. I can usually spot these men after they have had a drink or two. I am looking for someone financially stable. There is nothing worse than a grown man who still doesn’t have it together. Someone with his own car. Yes, I have two cars. No, you can’t sublease one of them. Someone with no more than 2 children. Someone who understands the female body. After 30, you should have had enough practice by now to understand the basics of “no teeth” and the female orgasm. I remember once I asked this guy to rate himself on a scale of 1-10. He gave himself a 2.5. Nope, I am not a teacher. The way my life is set up, I’m not teaching a grown man a thing about physical intimacy. I’m way too busy.

Last but not least, I need someone with confidence. I find that men like the idea of me until I throw on a pair of red bottoms and go to an event, without them. Unless I like you as much as you like me, I’m “industry single” which means that we can date privately. Dassit.

Oh, and no, you can’t meet my kids. For the love of Christ, don’t ask. No offense, I don’t want to meet your kids either.

Why does everyone always want to move so fast? I remember I went on one date with a guy and the next thing I knew, I had a ton of missed Instagram DMs and text messages every day. Every morning, noon and night. I was honest with him when I said after our first and only date that he had too many red flags for this to work. His texts still go unanswered. Where is his pride?

After all the frogs I have encountered, surely I am due for a prince. Truth be told, I think I found him. Actually, he found me. It’s a cute story I’m sure I will tell one day. But for now, I’m living in the moment and enjoying every second. Privately.

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